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Haven't updated this space for quite a while because nobody reads it anyway😂 but because nobody is reading it, that's why I am updating it now:-) maybe a memory for myself ?

Honestly I really hate myself sometimes for prioritising friendships too much. I guess at different phase of my life I was really attached to different friends( but obviously they will never know because I can hide my feelings really well in this aspect la) . But every time , the feeling seems to be the same . It is a feeling I hate a lot.

Ok take for example friend A. When I see friend A hanging out with someone else, and prioritising that person over me , I will get really really mad and upset and hurt and idek . I will feel a rush of anger because I feel like I am not as important . Call me selfish , but I like to be prioritised. It feels good to be prioritised isn't it ?

I remember in year 1 I was so mad at this friend that I really really liked a lot hahahahaha . I was so damn angry that she prefer classmate B . Ok maybe I wasn't angry , but I was filled with jealousy that I cannot explain . It lasted for very short period of time and I soon got over trying to be the top choice of that friend . " how dumb of me to waste my time on this kind of things " I thought .. But this doesn't improve hahahaha. In like year 2/3 I can't rmb, there was this senior that I was quite close to, (maybe I self proclaim la) but I wished that this senior could be in my batch and be my friend hahahahaha ( childish me ) ?

Over the years , it changes from people to people. Is there any sign of improvements ? Who knows ???? till now, there are times when i feel something like that and i have to keep telling myself" omg can u please study before u fail "

But one thing for sure, I hate being the backup plan💔

And last point i haz to makkkeee. I dont like people who are clingy, and i am definitely not one. But sometimes ( i mean almost all the time last tiime, people initiate texts) As i grow up, i decided to change.. but normally i dont initate oneee...
I admit i am a pretty bad friend to have, because i cant keep up with convos and i am an ultimate convo breaker. i dont reply for hours even when i see someone's message. But deep down like any human being,  i want people to care.


Anyways i am so tired of being the dumb one.......Can i redo my life ? i will set things right this time.

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