What to expect in life ??

It's one of those days where I suddenly get sick of everything and everyone . It's like I don't even know what I want and who are my friends . So tired of people looking for me when they have nobody else. I constantly tell myself. Since they treat u like a trash , when they turn to you , just say say "No" to any request. But like a dumbo , when they turn to me , all the anger inside will suddenly disappear , and I will just agree.

The truth is , I prioritise some of my friends over others for various reasons . Some I just felt that I really needed them in my life and some I just felt like our friendship was so long and I had some kind of commitment to it . 

I hate it when I drift away from friends because it is a really sad thing when u have to walk past them being strangers with memories . Happy times together you know that you will never get back because no matter how hard you try , it's something you will never be able to get back to its original state . Friendship is like a piece of paper . Once it get crushed, no matter how hard you try , it will never be .

Sometimes, I just find myself running out of topics with people . The harder I try , the more I feel like giving up . 

Surely sometimes I wonder why I am such a bad friend--when my friends run into trouble but I cannot do anything to help . Truth is , I suck at comforting people. 

I suck at keeping friendships as well as trying to be a good friend .

Truth is I realised that there is nobody who truly knows me . They just know the side of me I want them to see. Who is able to stand the real me ? I am someone filled with emotions I feel like showing . When I am sad I cry , when I am jealous I really want to show it . But instead, I have to constantly hide all these because I really dw to annoy anyone with my mood swings . I get angsty many a times because I want to convey something but I can't .

I hate how I have to be careful of everything I say and censor every feeling I have behind it , just to make sure that I won't hurt anybody's feelings . But when they talk to me , I am really like a piece of worthless trash who they can just insult like I am not even a human too .

I hate drifting from people. But ironically I find myself already going to cut off some people . 

I have been called a toxic friend and I was so fking mad .Like please consider my situation before even saying anything .

so tired of everyone .