Um..Hey there?:)

是不是太不自量力了？ 9:27 pm : suddenly so empty and so sad

Lying on my bed with a blueberry face mask on and blasting my favourite current song which is one of the OST from love in the moonlight 💓 These days I have been zoning out a lot thinking about things I could do but I missed the chance or thinking about the future . I guess A levels is a really huge hurdle for me because last year was a really horrible year which I always wish that I could restart . Every time I think back about how slack I was last year , I really wanna go back in time and slap myself . But I know that there is no point brooding over spilt milk . It's now or never man .  I don't know how I started sliding behind others in terms of results . As a kid last time I love taking exams and tests and love receiving back results hahah. But I guess I started getting complacent and before I knew it I was drowning in a sea of homework and bad results . It's scary how I am only 18 , yet I am filled with regrets 😭 I really wanted to study overseas when I was younger....

What do I do when I have given my best but my best is not enough

Day 62, till now a levels seems like an impossible hurdle to jump across i am thankful to those that believe in me i want to prove that i am somebody capable too But it is so hard:( It seems like i am here more and more often ! Simply because this space is still as space i can comfortably post whatever i want Days like this i regretted all the time i wasted. Time spent on spazzing over people who wont even look at me , and caring about people who couldnt be bothered

// now playing i get a little stronger now, i get a little braver now. And when it gets dark, i get a little brighter now,, i get a little wiser now :)

If i met me, i would hate me too. Scary how once feelings can totally change one's expression and the way they act. No longer troubled by any friendships thingy. Now i think about it, it is major bullshit for me to spend so much time brooding over it. Realised that everything is my own problem. I overthink about EVERY SINGLE THING. I get pissed off easily , and i have a bad attitude. I cant control my anger and act rashly every single time. But the even weirder/ scarier thing is that, when i cool down / wake up, it feels like i wasnt being myself, and somebody so foreign to me too. according to wiki : Bipolar disorder , formerly  manic depression , is a  mental disorder  with periods of  depression  and periods of elevated mood .  The elevated mood is significant and is known as  mania  or  hypomania , depending on its severity, or whether symptoms of  psychosis  are present. During mania an individual  behaves ...

Rather than being angry i am/was really disappointed. Maybe its the A's that are nearing or something but i am extra prickly and sensitive these days (even more than usual ) Somehow my whole brain is in a whirlwind and i cant seem to stop myself from showing how i truly feel. i hate how i am so vulnerable to people that i care for because i dont want to do anything to upset them. i guess it is to the extent that i start bottling up myself. inside i am screaming in anger but somehow i am just controlling myself not get angry. Because i obviously know the consequences . Obviously it scares me because if it doesn't turn out like i want to, i will be even sadder. I tend to overthink so much that when i was in class, i had the sudden urge to cry Truth is, nobody knows the real me / how i truly feel. i have too much emotions for anybody to handle. adding on to my moodswings, even i cant handle myself. i am so sick and tired of everyone and everything. One day i want t...